Chapter 4, Part 1: I Choose You

Please see "Chapters You May Have Missed" for previous chapters/parts.

Chapter 4: I Choose You

As the fall semester came to an end, Lelani packed up what was left in her room. Her meeting with the dean the week before was not beneficial. She had until the end of the week to remove her belongings out of the dorm. With Neo’s help, she was able to find an affordable apartment off campus. Not living on campus was going to cut into her budget, adding to the stress load for the final two semesters of her master’s program.

She folded the arms of the last box over each other and grabbed the tape dispenser from the floor. Lelani taped the box shut and slid it across the floor towards the door. Taking a break before carrying it downstairs, she flopped down on the bed. She laid across the bare mattress and closed her heavy eyelids. The humming motor of the ceiling fan echoed off the naked walls of the room.

Neo slowly pushed the room door open. A smile appeared over his cold face when he saw Lelani’s sleeping. She had recruited his help for making the move from the dorms to her new digs. Trying not to disturb her, he lifted the last box from the floor and hauled it downstairs. The courtyard outside was deserted with the exception of a group of ladies huddled at the corner table. It was December and the temperature was in the mid-60’s; he couldn’t understand why anyone would want to be outside standing around talking. Although baffled by the ladies outside choice in loiter area, he briskly walked the box to the awaiting SUV. He pushed the final box into an empty spot in the backseat and locked the door.

Despite the brightly shining sun, the cold air nipped at Neo’s exposed skin causing him to shiver. He rubbed his hands together and blew a warm breath between them. He inhaled deeply and then exhaled, clearing his lungs. Neo was grateful that the final stages of Lelani’s move were nearing. Entering the building he was hit with the warmed, heated ventilation. Neo approached the vending machines and searched his pockets for change to buy hot chocolate. He inserted his money and vended two cups. He took a seat in a nearby lounge chair to pass the time.

A cold breeze blew threw the doorway when a couple lingered in. The young lady was of average height with short-cropped hair. Her arm was interlocked with a man of the same complexion but his hieght mirrored a starting forward on any NBA team. His towering frame was at least 6’8, he had a clean shaven face, and his hair was intricately braided. Neo smiled at the couple then refocused his attention on the hot beverages in the midst of spewing from the plastic spigot of the machine. He collected the hot chocolates from the tray and carefully carried them back upstairs.

The couple followed shortly behind him, continuing up the stairs to the next floor. The echo of female laughter bounced back down the hallway. Nonchalantly, Neo paced to the door of Lelani’s room and swung the door back with the toe of his shoe. Lelani was still sleeping. He entered the room and settled next to Lelani’s resting body. He admired her ambition and hard work. Her driven personality, determination, and optimism would aid in her success in life and he knew that all those qualities could drain anyone. He lightly tapped her on the shoulder to stir her sleep.
“Hey Lani. Wake up.”

“Damn, did I fall asleep? How long was I out?”

“Don’t know. You were sleep before I got back from loading the car. You tired?”

“Hell yeah. Can’t wait til all this shit is done.”

“Well, you’re on your home stretch. Here, sit up, I got you some hot chocolate.”

“Awww, Neo, you didn’t have to, but thanks.”

“I know, but that’s what men do for their ladies.”

Lelani looked over at Neo, puzzled. Hearing it come from him felt right but it was still something she neglected to admit. She shook her head in disagreement. She wanted nothing more than to be make things official with Neo, but the time was still not right. Besides, in the last few weeks and the months to come, she knew that Neo would be a scarcity in her life. His job was still the number one thing in his life, next to his son. How could she ever compete with either of the two?

“Neo…I’m sorry...I guess I wasn‘t clear before.”

“Clear about what?”

“This. Me and you.”

“What about us? For the last four months you are the only woman I’ve spent my time with. I’ve grown very fond of you. What’s the problem?”

“There’s no problem, but I can’t commit to you right now. I’m focused. Really. I’m fond of you. I love our friendship, its great. It’s probably the best thing that’s happened to me since I left Orlando but truthfully there is no us.”

“How can you say that? I wanna be in love with you but you’re not making that available. And I don’t understand why that is. Why is this so hard for you?”

“There are things that you won’t understand. Hell, things you don’t know.”

“Well, then tell me. Tell me what I don’t understand or know. Nothing or no one can make me stop feeling the way I do about you.”

“If only you knew…,” Lelani thought to herself. She saw the sincerity in his eyes and felt the tension building between them. “Come on, let’s get out of here,” she said eluding a follow up explanation.

Lelani rose form the bed and took a final survey the room. She pulled the small envelope from the top of the desk and headed for the door. Neo grabbed her coat from the desk chair and passed through the small opening between Lelani and the door frame. He paused just behind her and looked down at her. His annoyance was written on his face. Lelani tipped her head downward to avert eye contact. Of all of Neo’s features, his honey brown eyes were her weakness, and she knew if their eyes had met, she would be powerless against him. She reached for the doorknob and shut the door. After locking the deadbolt, she dropped the key in the envelope and sealed it.

Neo was a few steps ahead of her. She knew that those few steps would keep the conflict at bay until they were again in close proximity. She followed him down the stairs maintaining that distance. The lobby was empty except for the lingering dean of residence halls. He had set up a key drop box and was inspecting the it for, what Lelani assumed was, her key.

She called out to him and waved her envelope in the air as if to tell him that she had what he was looking for. He closed the box and walked over to her.

“Miss Freeman. One of the people I was looking for. Is that your room key?”

“Yes, sir. I’m sorry that my outside activities have led us to this point. I understand that when you have obligations and responsibilities, that you have to prioritize.”

“Yes. I’m sorry that it came to this, too. I was truly looking forward to you training someone to replace you before you got away from us. But I’m sure that whatever it was that kept you from doing your job, it was important.”

“Yes, sir. But again I thank you for the opportunity to set an example and work with the students. I’ve gained a lot from this experience."

“It was a pleasure. Have you seen Tayla Gibbons? I need her key, too.”

“No, sir. Why would you need her key? I thought she was staying on as an RA?”

“She came to me a few days after she reported you saying she was moving. I think she’s getting married or something.”

“Married?! Wow. I didn’t realize.”

“She said she would be out today, too. Are you sure she’s not around?”

Just as the dean finished his sentence, Tayla called out to him from the stairway. Lelani turned toward her voice. Her vindictive smile glowed against her face. Two steps behind Tayla stood another familiar face. Andre Johnson. Lelani’s heart sank deep into her chest. Her legs started to shake and almost gave out from underneath her. She could feel the air leave her body but not return. The cup of hot chocolate slipped from her sweaty hand and splashed against the carpeted floor.

Tayla made her way into the lobby. Fixed on her face was attitude and disgust. She handed the dean her key envelope and turned back to look up at her brother, who was still towering on the steps. His eyes were fixated on Lelani’s, full of sadness and contempt. The temperature in the room felt as if it had risen, evident of Lelani’s perspiring skin. The water welled in her eyes and her bottom lip began to tremble. She broke the eye contact and moved toward the door. Neo was nowhere in sight. He was so frustrated he didn’t even bother waiting on her.

As she passed the stairway, she could feel Andre still eying her. She hurried out the door. Behind her, Lelani heard Andre’s heavy footsteps bang down the remaining few of the carpeted steps and Tayla’s resentful voice calling him back. Lelani felt her arm being jerked back; she knew it was Andre trying to stop her from running away. The icy wind attacked her bare arms, practically freezing her in place in the courtyard. Although her body was freezing, her mind and heart were burning with heat and anger.

“I’m tired of seeing your back, Lelani. Look at me,” Andre said side stepping Lelani.

“Andre, this is not the time, nor the place. Its freezing out here.”

“No one told you to run your ass out here. But since I’ve got you here, I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”

“I can’t. Neo’s waiting on me. I have to go,” Lelani said shuffling her feet in an attempt to get away.

““Stop, Jicole. You’re not going anywhere. You owe me an explanation.”

“Don’t call me that!” Her anger erupted. “Why are you doing this?”

The headlights on Neo’s SUV came on and cast a spotlight on the scorned lovers. Lelani knew that she couldn’t delay any longer or Neo will start to get suspicious. She pulled her arm free from Andre’s grip and quickly walked off, leaving Andre alone in the courtyard. A single tear ran the length of her face and down her neck. Unsure of what was about to transpire, Lelani approached the oversized vehicle cautiously. She slowly opened the door and lifted herself into the seat.

Instinctively, Neo put the car in reverse and pulled off. His hands grip the steering wheel tightly, encouraging the veins to bulge. The opportunity to break the silence at the first red light passes and it festered as Neo drove on. Minutes later, the two arrived at the gate of the new apartment. Neo found a park space near the breezeway of Lelani’s building then killed the engine.

Lelani shifted her weight in the seat, resting her elbow on the center console. She reached down and took Neo’s hand from its quiescent place on his knee and held it in her palm. He pressed his fingers between hers and snuggly squeezed her hand. He took an extended breath to settle his nerves.

“Look, I don’t know who that was back there, nor do I care. But I can’t keep playing this game with you.”

“What do you mean game?”

“You not wanting me. I just don’t understand what’s holding you back.”

“There are things that have happened, Neo. I’m just not ready to be there again.”

“See that’s what I’m talking about, Lani. Be where again?”

“Back in a relationship. Back in love.”

“Who said anything about love. I’m not asking you to love me until you’re ready.”

“Then what do you want from me?”

“I want you to choose me. Me and only me.”

At that point, Lelani could feel the tears boiling in her eyes again. She loosened her hand from Neo’s grip and let herself out of the SUV. Rummaging through her bag, she found her key chain, flipping it around until she came across the door key. The chilly wind began to pick up. She grabbed her coat from the seat and let the door swing shut. She paused.

The longer she held out, the more she knew that what she was doing to Neo was wrong. He was right, in a sense. There was so much holding her back from letting him in. The past was the past and she knew she should leave it there. Neo was an innocent party in the dilemma and he didn’t deserve the rancor.

She reopened the door and invited Neo inside. With reluctance he obliged and pulled the keys from the ignition. It was clear from his body language that he was still upset. He followed Lelani into the breezeway, pausing for a moment to collect his thoughts. The heat flowed out of the door warming the couple’s bodies. They quickly entered to capture more of the warmth.

Lelani placed her keys and coat down on the breakfast bar. Her new apartment was unfurnished and scattered with boxes. Neo pulled up a box to sit on. He distributed his weight evenly over the box so not to fall through in an anticipated collapse. Lelani lifted herself onto the countertop of the breakfast bar. She nervously fiddled with sleeve of her shirt.

“I’m sorry, Neo. I have not been up front with you about everything.”

“What do you mean?"

“I’m talking about Andre and our history.”

“What else is there? You’ve told me the story about you two already.”

“Not the whole story. And I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know if you would stick around had I told you everything.”

“What could be so bad that I would leave? You are a wonderful person, Lani and nothing can change that.”

“You wouldn’t say that if you knew everything.”

“Look, I’ve already told you, I don’t care about what you and Andre had. Its long over with, right?”

“Of course. But there are things that were unfinished between us.”

“Unfinished? See that’s what I’m talkin’ about. What the hell is going on with you two? Just fuckin’ tell me!”

“I don’t want you to be upset with me. This is hard for me to say to you. I’ve never told anyone…not even my parents.”

“So what’s the big secret? I’m not going to judge you.”

“First, let me say that I do want you. Its just that being with you is a little more complicated than just saying it. And, before you make a final decision about wanting me, I feel like I need to tell you the whole story.”

“I’m listening.”

Taking in a long, deep breath, Lelani prepared herself for the harsh reality that she was about to expose to Neo. Her story would either clear the air between them or it would obliterate the undefined relationship for good. She fearfully began to tell her tale, pausing only briefly to choke back tears.

With every word, her body grew weary. Her palms clammed and her nerves were uneasy. Neo looked up from his view of the floor to see Lelani shaking nervously on the counter, as she confessed. Tears poured from her eyes, accompanied by mucous dripping from the tip of her nose. He couldn’t help but want to comfort her as she bore her soul to him. He never imagined that her testimony could affect her so emotionally, or him for that matter. Pushing his anger to the back of his mind, he stood from the box and made his way over to Lelani.

He lifted her face with his hand and cradled it in his palm. He soothed her trembling bottom lip with his finger, stroking it lightly. He pulled her body close to his and stroked the back of her head, smoothing the hair down her neck. At that moment, Lelani realized that she was safe in Neo’s care. She relaxed and let her body be comforted by him. Everything felt right.

She buried her face into his shoulder and softly whispered, “I choose you. Please care for me like I deserve.”

“I will, for as long as you want me to or God wills it.”